I rarely talk about my personal journey with disordered eating.

I’m not ashamed – at least not anymore – but I wasn’t sure how relevant it was. I never wanted someone to think I was saying, “I totally get it because I went through something similar.” We are too individual, with our own complex histories, and I cringe when I hear “this is what worked for me, so it will work for you.”

At the same time, stories are powerful. Dr. Brene Brown does high quality research on shame and vulnerability, but her TED talk did not get over 44 million views because of the research studies she cited. She got those views because of her personal story and her vulnerability.

For the research on Intuitive Eating including some pros and cons, check out my first and second posts of this series. Consider this post/episode a compilation of case studies, mine included.

My Journey with Dieting and Intuitive Eating

The Early Years

I started my first diet when I was 16. Prior to that, I was lucky to maintain a healthy weight. Typically, I ate what I wanted and stopped when I was full.

The Slimfast diet came first, followed by various attempts at calorie counting and even Jenny Craig in college, all with little to no success. I gradually gained weight over the course of college. I would fluctuate between low calorie diets (typically aiming for about 1200-1500 calories per day), and binge eating.

It’s important to note that I was following standard recommendations here. I never skipped meals, never ate less than 1200 calories in a day, and would eat more when I exercised more.

After a few weeks of tracking my calories, I might lose 5-10 lbs, but would then promptly gain it back plus 5-10 more, with a gradual up-slope. My self-esteem, which was mediocre at best, gradually became worse. Yet, I was convinced that if I could just get control of my eating and lose weight, everything would improve. I felt out of control and ashamed of myself for many years, though I rarely talked about it or shared with anyone.

Impact on My Health

By the end of college, I had gained about 25 lbs. Given how poorly I was treating my body, I am lucky it was not more. As a taller person, this weight gain was probably not extremely obvious to others, however, I was inactive, my energy and stamina had never been lower, and I had never felt so self-conscious. I fluctuated between feeling guilty for binge eating, and planning or enacting my next “eating plan” (which never lasted long) with very little time spent in between.

At age 19, my total cholesterol was 283 and my LDL (“bad cholesterol”) was 190. At 21, my triglycerides were 200. All of these numbers are in the “high” range and indicate significant cardiac and metabolic risk. My doctor asked if I had a family history of high cholesterol. I did not.

The summer after college I went to Europe. I enjoyed the trip, but I cannot look at pictures without remembering how lethargic I felt and how uncomfortable I was in my body. Many of the pictures look like the one below. Head shot and scenery only was no coincidence.

Success! At Least Temporarily

After the Europe trip and before graduate school, I did Weight Watchers. The points system encouraged me to eat a fairly veggie focused diet and I was able to lose about 20 lbs. Since I was living with my mom and didn’t have a full-time job, I had time to prep healthy foods, track my points diligently, and exercise on a regular basis.

I felt great, maintained that weight loss for about a year, and was mostly was back to being an “intuitive eater”, even though I didn’t know that term at the time. I was enjoying running regularly with a running group in Philadelphia, which helped me maintain the weight loss.

The Return to Dieting

About a year later, due to the stress of grad school and other factors, I started to notice some regain of the weight, and went back to the only method I knew to reverse it… dieting. I tried tracking calories again and even tried Weight Watchers twice more, with limited results. And each time I’d go “off” the diet, binge eating and self-loathing would be back with a vengeance.

For the next 3 years of grad school, I made some gradual progress with my relationship with food, but ultimately still struggled. I listened to podcasts by Renee Stephens, who encouraged listeners to ask “how will eating this make me feel over time? This really resonated with me, but I still did not fully shed my dieting mindset and was still at least somewhat preoccupied with food and my weight.

Enter Intuitive Eating

In 2013, after 13 years of struggle with dieting, enter Intuitive Eating. A friend shared the book with me, and I listened to it on audiobook. Despite thinking I did not have a “dieting mindset” anymore, I absolutely did. Just because my mindset was flexible (e.g., I never tried to eat less than 1200 calories per day, would usually eat more if I exercised, and never skipped meals), I was still looking to an external source or guide to tell my body what it needed.

Intuitive Eating helped me to finally let go. I embraced, or perhaps re-embraced the principle of unconditional permission to eat, stopped focusing on my weight, stopped tracking my food, and just let myself eat what I wanted, while paying attention to hunger and fullness and how foods really made me feel over time. As the judgment reduced, I was able to more clearly see how foods affected me physically.

Instead of rules and “shoulds” I started to want to eat in a way that fueled my body and made it feel great.

Low and behold, the less I restricted the “unhealthy foods”, the more I gradually started feeling less deprived and having fewer cravings. I generally ate a balanced diet, but when I wanted something sweet or wanted a specific food, I would eat it, without worrying about the calories or fat. For the first time in years, I felt in control of my eating, and it felt amazing.

It’s been at least 8 years since I fully shed the “diet mentality”, and I can honestly say I have never re-adopted the diet mentality. It feels too darn good to eat this way.  I still overeat (meaning I eat until stuffed, or eat foods that make me feel bad physically), but I no longer beat myself up about it. I just notice how I felt physically and learn from it. Whenever I re-commit to eating better, it is always from a place of “how can I eat in a way to feel good today” and “how can I feel best and take great care of my body” and truly has nothing to do with my weight.

Intuitive Eating and Weight Loss

Ok, so Intuitive Eating helped reduce cravings and binge eating, but what about weight loss?

When I read Intuitive Eating, I was 10-15 lbs above the weight I maintain now. I rarely weighed myself, but based on my health records, I stayed around this weight for 2-3 years.

About 3 years later, my weight started to go down. This was gradual and not intentional. Meaning that, I was focused on building healthier habits (exercising more, cooking more at home), but not focused on weight loss and not tracking my eating.

About 2 years ago, my husband and I started using the Forks Over Knives meal planner. We typically eat a whole food plant-based diet 60-80% of the time. The combination of these habit changes lead me to gradually lose about 10-15 lbs and maintain this weight without a lot of intentional effort. That is, besides the effort it takes to grocery shop and cook, which I do not naturally love!

So What Can We Learn From My Experience?

1. Intuitive Eating can work incredibly well in eliminating binge eating, preoccupation with food, and improving body image.

This is not surprising, but still worth stating. After years of struggle, even as a psychologist with a specialty in eating behavior and weight, nothing else worked in a sustainable way until Intuitive Eating. Not only did I stop binge eating after listening to the book, I also stopped worrying about my weight and truly felt relaxed around food for the first time in 13 years. 

2. Weight loss after Intuitive Eating is possible.

But for me, it was not quick. I eventually lost 10-15 lbs through healthful changes 2-3 years after adopting an Intuitive Eating/non-dieting mindset. This weight loss was not intentional and I was not focused on the amount of food I ate, but on improving my habits overall (cooking more at home, regular exercise). I was pleased to lose some weight, but more importantly I had greatly improved energy and overall well-being.

3. Intuitive Eating may help with weight loss maintenance after a structured weight loss effort.

If you can truly embrace Intuitive Eating and not return to dieting and restriction. After losing 25 lbs with Weight Watchers, I stopped tracking points and ate fairly “intuitively” and maintained the weight loss for a year. Only when I started focusing on weight loss again, did my binge eating return.

4. I was never tempted to go back to dieting.

I dabbled in a few different weight loss programs, purely out of curiosity (e.g., Beachbody’s 21 day fix program, and the 3 Day Refresh). Both of those programs prescribe a certain amount of food to eat per day, but I was unwilling to do this so I followed modified versions. Thus, I focused on improving the quality of what I was eating, but never limited the amount. I did not find either of these approaches particularly useful, I am able to try out different eating plans without jumping back into the dieting mindset.

Ok Shawn, but what’s the main point here?

I believe the key component of Intuitive Eating is refusing to engage in deprivation, and doing so from a place of self-trust and respect.

Intuitive eating gave me permission to trust my body again and ultimately never give full control to an outside source. I still review nutrition research and get various forms of health advice, but I listen to my body’s intuition above all else.

Additionally, I no longer get my worth from my body shape or size. I realize this is easier for me given that biologically the weight I maintain is

This is not how most people approach behavior changes or weight loss and it is not serving anyone.

Humans need to feel a sense of autonomy, respect and choice to make any change long-term. We know this from countless studies on motivation, but I’m not sure we need the studies. Don’t we also know this deep down to be the truth?

The Take Home Message

Each of us need to find a way to approach habit changes from a place of self-respect, desire, and choice. Not from a place of deprivation and self-denial.

Only then we have really found the key to long-term behavior change, overall health, and over time, weight loss.

So that’s my story, I’d love to hear about yours!

Was intuitive eating or a similar non-dieting mindset helpful to you in making habit changes or losing weight?

Did you make habit changes or lose weight in a sustainable way using a different approach?

Comment below or message me directly. I would love to hear from you!