2021, You Make Us Very Nervous

I saw this quote about 2021 that cracked me up. Because it’s so true:

Nobody claim 2021 as “your year”. We are all going to walk in real slow. Be good. Be quiet. Don’t. Touch. Anything.

– Unknown

I mean, yeah. Well said, right?

And Yet, I’m Still Going to Talk to You About Goals

Despite the above, I had to keep the above headline and talk to you about goals in 2021. Because:

1. Who doesn’t love goals? I certainly do. Any other spreadsheet loving folks out there? You are my people.
2. The title has good SEO (search engine optimization, helps this post be found in a google search, fingers crossed) and finding a good title is hard. Interesting (and upsetting) fact: the title SEO score went from 69/100 to 82/100 when I took the words “Science Can Help” out of the title. Sigh. Oh well, those of you who know me know science will be involved and consulted regardless of whether it’s in the title.

We can talk about goals, I think. We just won’t say it’s going to be “our year.” Sound good?

Goals for This Post

With this post, we will be talking about one of my favorite topics: All-or-nothing thinking, and how to change it.

This thinking is truly the kryptonite for sustainable habit change. We all need to:

• Notice it
• Name it
• Stop it

I’m working on this all the time. Not for dieting or eating habits anymore, but for my business, and other things that are important to me, like parenting. It’s equally useful in almost every area of life.

Let me explain.

All-or-Nothing Thinking, the Enemy of Sustainable Change

All-or-nothing thinking is absolute thinking. It’s believing you must do something perfectly starting on a certain date or you have failed. It’s categorizing your performance in terms of extremes, without any middle ground. You are either good or bad; succeeding or failing.

It is NOT the same as striving for excellence. You can strive for high goals, but if you miss the mark and label that as a failure, that is all-or-nothing thinking.

I was the queen of this. I would get all gung-ho and plan my new goal, often related to weight loss. I’d start on Monday, inevitably mess up within a few days (or hours) and resolve to start again the next Monday, the 1^st of the month, or whatever arbitrary date I could find.

Each new start was exciting and hopeful, but this approach never worked for more than a few days. It does not allow for a growth mindset or allow us to be the human beings we are, wired for struggle and failure. All-or-nothing thinking is judgmental and rigid, and the opposite of what you need for true long-term learning and habit change.

This Type of Thinking is Everywhere

I notice it more and more now. We think of ourselves, and others, as “right” or “wrong.” When it comes to making changes to our eating, or more importantly how we THINK about our eating, it’s everywhere.

When it comes to weight loss, people want results fast, or they believe they have failed. They also want to do things “perfectly” in terms of their habits so they can get the results as quick as possible. Have you ever counted out how many weeks it will take to lose the weight you want to? Common apps like MyFitnessPal allow you to do this.

If you lose 1-2 lbs per week, you will be down 15 lbs by spring break! Or 20 lbs if you do REALLY well and lose 2-3 lbs per week.

Aim for a Growth Mindset

We must strive for continual improvement, a growth mindset of continual learning and refining. Setting new goals and dreams takes courage and we must allow ourselves to be imperfect along the way or our progress will always be stifled.

Once I abandoned this style of thinking and started viewing all hours of the day as opportunities to improve, I started making more consistent progress towards my goals.

If you are struggling with moving from a FIXED dieting mindset (I’m good or bad on a given day, or telling yourself you are failing) and want help practicing a growth mindset, check out my free audio training to walk you through the steps of a growth mindset here.

Fall down 7 times, get up 8.

– Japanese Proverb

We Can Learn a Ton from the Little Ones

Have you ever watched a child learn to walk? I hadn’t until I had kids. I’m getting to watch my son do so now.

After he falls, do you think he gets self-critical and beats himself up for “failing”?

Clearly not.

He gets PUMPED at every little bit of progress he makes, and when he does fall he just gets right back up and tries again. Or in the case of our son, he takes a rest with his face smashed into the carpet, THEN tries again.

What to Expect from This Post

The next two posts will review science-backed strategies for setting goals based on your most important values.

Many of the examples I use will be geared towards weight loss or health-related goals, but can be applied to goals in any other realm (financial, career, parenting, de-cluttering, hobby/personal, spiritual, self-care).

• Today’s post will help you ensure you are setting up your environment for success. Motivation theory tells us that our environments are crucial to long-term success, so why waste time and energy setting goals that are only likely to last short-term? When I say environment, I am primarily talking about your social environment, or who you surround yourself with.
• In the next post on this topic, we will review how to reflect on your values and set goals that you care about (not your mom, or your doctor, or anyone else). We will get into the nuts and bolts about how to ensure you have the right systems in place to achieve your goals and set yourself on the trajectory for success not just over the next few weeks, but for the long-term.

The Science of Motivation

There is a large body of research that informs our knowledge of human motivation. Self-Determination Theory (SDT) has been studied extensively in lab settings and the real world, across a wide array of areas including health care, schools, relationships, psychotherapy, sports performance, and the workforce.

Although we often talk about motivation in terms of how much motivation we have, the reality is that the quality or type of motivation matters much more than the amount. We can predict who will keep up with their habits over the long-term based on what type of motivation they have.

Although we can be motivated by external factors like money, grades, other’s opinions and other rewards or punishments, we are also motivated by internal factors like interests, passions, curiosities, or our deep-rooted values.

Which do you think is more associated with long-term habit change? Internal or external?

Quality of Motivation

See below for examples of different types of motivation for eating a balanced breakfast and going for a walk.

Motivation can range from external to intrinsic (the most internal form). Identified, integrated, and intrinsic (often called autonomous motivation) are consistently associated with continued change over the long-term.

This is true across a range of habits. When it comes to weight loss, autonomous motivation is associated with weight loss maintenance and continued exercise up to three years later (Silva et al. 2011).

How to Go From External to Internal Motivation?

But how do we move from external motivation to internal? Sometimes it can be as simple as switching our mindset from a “I should” to “I want to” by reflecting on our reasons we want to make a change. Other times, we can give ourselves permission to find activities we truly enjoy. I created a Free audio you can listen to to help you shift exercise from a “should” to a “want to” – grab it here.

However, typically autonomous motivation develops over time, based on the level of support in our environment.

How Our Environment Impacts Our Motivation

Self-determination theory has identified three main psychological needs that when met, are most consistently associated with the highest quality of motivation and engagement.

1. Autonomy
2. Competence
3. Relatedness

As we set our goals, it is essential that we consider how to sustain our motivation over the long-term.

Autonomy: The Freedom of Choice

Autonomy means feeling that we are the initiator of our own choices and have the freedom to choose the goals and pursuits meaningful to us.

Are you truly setting goals that are important to you, or are you setting goals for someone else? There are a variety of reasons we set goals that are not truly our desire. It could be due to overt pressure, like someone telling you what to do. Often, it’s more subtle. Perhaps our parents, or society believes we should pursue a certain career, make a certain amount of money, or look a certain way. If we internalize the pressure to achieve a goal someone else thinks we “should” but deep down it is not important to us, we are unlikely to sustain motivation for that goal over the long-term, because it was never really ours to begin with.

Exercise Example

Do you really want to be a person who goes to the gym five days per week, or are you just saying that because you feel like you should? Where did this “should” come from? From your parents? Your doctor?

When it comes to exercise, there are many ways to be active. The book No Sweat by Michelle Segar, MPH, PhD, does a nice job of breaking this down, all consistent with motivation theory. Often we get ideas of what exercise “should” look like, and end up feeling forced into a certain routine that does not fit us.

At this phase of my life, exercising at the gym does not appeal to me. I found a way to exercise at home; other times I just walk outside. This fits into my current lifestyle. If I was constantly stressing myself out about not going to the gym or doing the intense classes some of my friends do, that would not be serving me or my motivation.

So take a look at your goals and ask yourself: Do I truly want this? If the answer is no, ask: How can I shift this goal so it is my choice and more in line with my personal values?

Weight Loss Example

There is no shortage of pressure to lose weight. This can come from TV ads, health care professionals, family or other loved ones, and/or cultural pressure to look a certain way.

My hope is that you have people in your life who support you unconditionally to meet the goals that are important to you, not them. However, if you are feeling pressured by others to lose weight, it might be time to have a chat with them. For most of us, external pressure (for example, “are you sure you want to eat that?” comments), will only hurt our long-term motivation.

Tying Exercise Specifically to our Values

When it comes to health-related goals, most of the time these goals are important to us because they serve another need or value. That is, although many of us say we value our health, we value it most because the alternative (poor health) keeps us from doing the things in life that truly matter.

Also, regular exercise and balanced healthy eating can also be viewed as fueling our other important goals and values, versus just something we “have to do” to lose weight. This may change with time and the phase of life we are in and therefore if we tie our health behaviors like exercise and healthy eating to our most important life goals, we are much more likely to sustain them.

Soon after having my daughter, I had a lot of back and neck pain. At that time, my main motivation for exercise was strengthening my core and improving my pain so I could feel good throughout my day and participate in the roles important to me (parenting, feeling engaged in my work).

Now when I exercise, I notice I feel more energetic and engaged with my kids, more focused on my work, and more focused in writing. All of these roles are important to my identity and when I frame the decision to exercise related to whether I want to feel better throughout my day, it feels much less like a should and much more like something I want to do, and need to do to be my best.

Healthy Eating and Valued Action

The habit of cooking at home is also very important to me. I have always wanted to learn to cook so that my kids see this behavior modeled from an early age. We also have a strong genetic risk of cancer, and I feel strongly about making sure I am providing healthful and tasty meals associated with improved health risk. This behavior helps fuel my identity as a mother and also a partner/wife.

These examples illustrate how many times, to find the truly autonomous reasons for our goals, we need to dig a little deeper. Ask yourself, why is that important to me? Why do I care about fitting into a certain size or getting to a certain weight? Is that really what it’s about, or is it about something else? Tying desired health behaviors to important roles like parent, friend, daughter/son, career, etc., is going to be much more impactful long-term.

Competence: “I Got This”

Competence refers to a person’s feelings of effectiveness. That is, one’s need to experience achievement in a desired outcome, thereby increasing their confidence. I like to think of this as the feeling of, “I got this”.

Unfortunately, when it comes to weight loss, many people lack confidence because our approach is often unhelpful and unsustainable so few people are successful long-term (Dansinger et al., 2007).

This lack of confidence is a direct result of:

1) The need for more effective evidence-based weight loss strategies

2) Confusing and conflicting advice

The majority of the dieting industry wants us to fail, as repeat customers are a much better business model. If someone successfully loses weight over the long-term, they likely won’t need any more pricey products, supplements, or programs.

If this is an area where you feel less than competent, you are not alone. The good news is, once you get used to ignoring the diet industry BS and focusing on the truly evidence-based strategies, you can absolutely make habit-changes over the long-term.

Relatedness: The Vital Role of Connection

The need for relatedness refers to the importance of experiencing positive and mutually beneficial relationships involving closeness and trust. At first glance, this may not seem directly related to goals, but stay with me.

Relationships are why we’re here. The quality of our social connections are associated with so many positive health outcomes, it would be impossible to list them all (here is one large study:  Howick, Kelly, & Kelly, 2019). Feeling accepted and connected to others boosts our intrinsic motivation for positive change (Dysvik, Kuvaas, & Gagne, 2013).

When it comes to goals and habits, it is essential to look at our relationships and whether we have people with whom we feel emotionally close. If not, finding ways to truly shift to more internal motivation may be an uphill battle, as loneliness and isolation are associated with depression and lack of fulfillment in a variety of areas in our life.

5 Practical Ways to Use Motivation Science to Achieve Your Goals

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1. Evaluate your support system. Are you surrounded by people who make you feel competent and confident that you can achieve your goals? Do you feel accepted and appreciated for who you are right now? Or do you feel excess pressure from people in your life to change? The more we are loved and accepted for who we are now, the more we will feel motivated to grow and change in the ways we we’re meant to.
2. Talk to unsupportive folks and make a change, if needed. I know this one is tough, but it is essential. If you realize some of your main support persons are making you feel worse about yourself and your ability to achieve your goals, it’s time to have a chat with them. Without blaming them, let them know that when they say or do X, you feel Y. For example, when you make a comment like “should you really be eating that? I feel judged and it makes it harder to stick to my goals.” Then let them know what they could do instead to be more helpful.
3. Join a community with similar goals. One great way to increase the likelihood that you will reach your goals, is to join a community where others are working towards similar ones. Not only will this increase your sense of connection with others but it can also increase your competence and confidence, as you observe others making changes that model ideas for making it happen in your own life. The good news is, there are groups in person and online for almost anything now, you just need to find them. If they don’t exist, you can always create it! A group of friends and I have had an online private Facebook group for years where we check in with our exercise goals to stay accountable. The main reason I am able to stay accountable to my goal to exercise in my basement is because I will tell my group “I’m going to exercise tomorrow at 5:30am” and I know they will be looking for a picture of my sweaty face around 6:10am to prove it.
4. Stop following fad diets and gimmicks. Evaluate the legitimacy of the sources of the information you are getting about health and weight loss. When we are desperate for change and a new solution, it’s very tempting to jump onto the next bandwagon. But the majority of these new approaches are not evidence-based and will lead you down a path that wastes your time and energy and reduces your confidence. Ask yourself (or ask me!), does this approach have any scientific backing? If so, did they cite a legitimate research study? How long did they study people for? When it comes to weight loss, if studies are a year or less, I would be extremely skeptical.
5. Reflect on what is truly important. What gets you excited? If you could achieve any goal in the future, what would it be? Sometimes we get so goal-focused we forget what truly matters to us and why. When you are at the end of your life, do you think you will look back and say “I am so glad I saved X amount of money for retirement?” or “I’m so glad I maintained a healthy weight for X amount of years?” Probably not, it is about what those goals got you. Because you saved money, were you able to live your life more freely and have time with loved ones? Because of your healthy habits, were you able to have energy to play with your children? To set a goal that will stick, you have to get clear on why it truly matters for you. Need help determining your WHY? Grab my free values assessment guide HERE or click on the banner below to get started.

Next Steps

Take time now to write 1-3 actionable steps you can take over the next week to improve your environment and increase your sense of autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Having these needs consistently met will lay the groundwork for any goal-setting you do, and improve the likelihood of achieving whatever goals you set.

Be sure to read the next post on this topic for more about clarifying your values, setting goals and how to set up effective systems for staying accountable.

References

Dansinger M. L., Tabsioni, A., Wong, J. B., Chung, M., Balk, E. A. (2007). Meta-analysis: the effect of dietary counseling for weight loss.  Ann Intern Med. 2007;147, 41-50.

Dysvik, A., Kuvaas, B., & Gagne, M. (2013). An investigation of the unique, synergistic and balanced relationships between basic psychological needs and intrinsic motivation. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 43, 1050-1064.

Howick, J., Kelly, P., & Kelly, M. (2019). Establishing a causal link between social relationships and health using the Bradford Hill Guidelines.. SSM – population health, 8 100402.

Silva, M. N., Markland, D., Caraca, E. V. Viera, P. N…. Teixeira, P. J. (2011). Exercise autonomous motivation predicts 3-yr weight loss in women. Medicine & Science in Sport & Exercise, 728-737.