"Do you really want to eat that?" How self talk creates healthy habits that stick

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Episode 79. Struggling with consistency for healthy habits?

Over and over you have the intention, but it just isn’t happening.

It’s good for you. You feel excellent after you do it. And yet, you keep failing.

Guess what?

It’s time to change how you are talking to yourself.

Today we are going to talk about how language affects our motivation for healthy habits and how one simple shift can make a big difference.

“I Really Need to Lose Weight”

Most people that come to see me know they need to work on their relationship with food and their body.

They often realize that they really have a lot of shame around eating and their body and this needs to change. They might even say “I really want to understand how to love myself.”

Know what 99% of them say as well?

“Aaaand, I know it isn’t the main focus, but I really also need to lose weight.” (and they they give me a look like, “You understand this right, Shawn? This weight isn’t healthy for me. I need you to get that.”)

I believe part of this is just wanting to feel understood. Like, “you get how uncomfortable I am right? How much I feel a desire to make a major change and feel good right?”

And I absolutely do.

And the way we often talk to ourselves about our eating habits makes it almost impossible to make sustainable healthy habit changes.

Understanding the Impact of Language on Our Motivation for Healthy Habits

Right now, you might be thinking:

But Shawn, I really do need to lose weight, my body is super unhealthy right now, or
I don’t understand why saying that is a problem, some people really do need to lose weight for their health.
Why is it so bad to say what I want?

Others, especially health care professionals who have been taught that weight gain causes health problems, might be outraged.

They might think:

That’s irresponsible Shawn, if we can’t have a conversation with someone who needs to lose weight for health reasons, we are not doing our jobs

To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with:

Having a desire for weight loss (most people do for a variety of reasons)
Discussing someone’s weight as it relates to their health (notice I didn’t say cause here)

Unpacking The “Need” to Lose Weight Comment

To explain why I hate this sentence “I need to lose weight” so much, we need to step back a minute and consider how it impacts you when you say it.

I want you to imagine that you have a certain habit change you want to make. Lets say you maybe want to exercise more.

Want Versus Need and the Impact of Language

You might think to yourself, “gosh I really need to exercise more,” I’m really slacking in that area.

Let’s Do an Experiment

Consider the statement for a moment, and just take a moment to tune into your body.

“I really need to exercise more.”

Notice any physical sensations or emotions you feel in your body.

For most of us, when we say I “need” to do something, we might feel mildly tense, perhaps a little anxious. It feels like pressure, expectation, and like a “should.” We may feel guilt that we haven’t yet.

Although we may want to do the behavior, that sentence directly impacts how we feel. And makes us less likely to do it.

“I really need to exercise more.”

Now Try it Another Way

This time, let’s made a slight tweak to,

“I really want to exercise more.”

Now tune in to your body and notice what is there. Maybe take a breath in, and out. Just notice for a few seconds, if your body feels any different than before.

You see, that one swap can make a big difference. We feel more calm, relaxed, and more drawn to actually do the behavior we truly want to do.

Instead of guilt, we may actually feel excited.

For those who have been following me for a long time, this is the difference between external should-based motivation, to internal and sustainable motivation (aka autonomous motivation).

“But Shawn, I really do need to lose weight.”

You may feel strongly that you need to lose weight to feel good in your body. You also may really want to lose weight. You might think, “okay I’ll just say I want to lose weight then. Whatever!”

But hold up. There’s a more to unpack, and this may just be the thing that’s been silently keeping you stuck.

You may feel you need to lose weight for a number of reasons, including:

You have likely been told your entire life that weight loss is healthy. And that weight loss is good for your health. If your BMI falls out of the “normal range” you are likely to feel this pressure the most, but even if you are in the “normal range” you may still deeply believe that smaller is better and that weight loss would be good for you. There are many flaws in this argument that are explained in more depth in this post. This is how we are all taught, so it certainly makes sense that you would think this way (I did for many many years).
There is also a ton of social pressure to be in a smaller body. Weight bias and stigma and fatphobia (bias and discrimination against persons in larger bodies) is everywhere and incredibly harmful. And the reality is, there’s a decent chance weight loss could lead you to gain more social status and acceptance. Unfortunately, it could change how people view you, and could make life easier for you socially. It may make it easier to get a job, find a partner, either because of the realities of how people view smaller bodies, or due to your increased confidence, or both.
During the time you have gained weight, your health may have also been getting worse. Although body changes are normal, sometimes when we are gaining weight (especially if we’ve dieted for years) we also have a lot of shame and fear that gets masked by food. And because when we are feeling a lot of shame and holding it in, it puts a lot of stress on our bodies, and may make us do other healthier habits less (e.g., less exercise, less time with friends, less nutritious eating). You may have developed more pain, lower endurance, or just felt lower energy as you gained weight. Your blood sugar control may be worse at a higher weight. Therefore, your brain assumes weight is the issue here, and thus weight loss is “needed” to feel better physically and mentally.

Your Feelings and Desires Are Valid

All of what you are feeling related to your weight and your body is valid.

No one else is in your body and therefore no one else can tell you how you do or don’t feel about weight loss and your body size.

And the fact of the matter is, that focusing on weight loss when we make habit changes rarely gets us anywhere.

Habit Change for Weight Loss Rarely Works (at least not for long)

Most of the time, when people focus on weight loss as their reason for eating differently, or moving their body, they actually tend to gain weight over time.

Why is this?

There are a number of reasons. One being that focus on habit change for the purpose of weight loss external motivation and this type of motivation typically doesn’t last.

Internal motivation aka autonomous motivation (I eat a salad because I like it or it makes me feel good or is consistent with the person I want to be) tends to stick more over the long haul.

The other main reason is that most of the time, when we focus on weight loss or say things like “I really need to lose weight” we are coming from a similar place as we talked about above. A place of stress, guilt, and very often unworthiness.

When we make changes or push ourselves to exercise or eat a delicious salad from a place of “I’m not enough,” these changes rarely stick.

And most of the time when we make changes for the purpose of weight loss, its from a place of “I’m not okay at this weight.” Either “I’m not okay meaning I’m not good enough” and/or “I’m not okay, I might develop a health issue and die soon.”

Both of these are incredibly stressful places to be, and often pushing ourselves into a health habit change (join the gym and force yourself to go for 5 days in a row) causes stress and typically, just does not work.

Do You Actually Have No Choice?

Typically the idea that we need to do something means we think we must. We have zero choice in the matter. We gotta. No matter how we feel.

Our culture is quite obsessed with shoulds.

“Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and work hard!” It’s the American way.

And yet, freedom of choice is what makes us feel motivated for the long-term.

What Do We Actually Need To Do?

So lets see again, what do we actually need to do?

We need to breathe to stay alive.

We need to drink water (assuming we want to stay alive).

We need to sleep.

We need nourishment of some kind (again, assuming we want to stay alive).

But do we actually need to exercise regularly, eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, sleep 8 hours a night, get all the things on our to do list done?

Nope.

We may deeply want to, we may believe it’s the very best way to live our best lives and be healthy.

But we don’t need to.

You always have a choice.

But the problem is, most people will read that statement and immediately go down the self-blame track, “yeah I know I have a choice, and I’m not doing it, I’m the worst, I suck, blah blah…”

The reason for this is when people gain weight or are in a larger body, you are told that it’s your fault. They aren’t told:

Bodies are meant to be different sizes
The body mass index is a ridiculous measure – no one should ever use it
The dieting you’ve been doing your whole life, is the reason you have gained weight

“I need to eat better or I may get sick and die.”

At this point you might be thinking,

“Okay Shawn, maybe I don’t need to lose weight or whatever, but I have a family history of heart disease. My dad died of a heart attack when he was 55 and I’m 52. I’m on his path. I clearly need to change things.”

I disagree.

You don’t need to. It’s your choice whether you change things or not.

Yes, if you want to live a long healthy life and currently you aren’t exercising, aren’t getting enough social connection, aren’t managing your stress well, and/or are eating mostly processed foods, then yes, making those changes absolutely may help you live longer and better and beyond when your father did.

But you don’t need to. It isn’t your only option.