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Episode 76. Have you ever thought…
- Why can’t I stop emotional eating? Happy, sad, anxious, bored… eating is my go to! Why can’t I just cope with my emotions without food like “normal people”! Or,
- Why can’t I have a little more self-control and break out of the cycle?
Well today we are going to answer all of those questions, but also I will address questions you may not know to ask, such as…
- What does emotional eating have to do with fear of death?
- How does diet culture influence my beliefs about my health and how does that influence my eating habits and keep the emotional eating cycle (aka the diet-binge cycle) going?
- What can I do to make sure I’m actually using my time on earth well and not wasting it on ineffective dieting, covering my emotions with food, and/or being too afraid to pursue what I really want?
Ready to Break the Emotional Eating Cycle?
Ready to stop avoiding and break the emotional eating cycle for good?
The first step is to disrupt the cycle.
If you want some practical ideas for things today besides the standard diet culture BS advice (take a walk, have some water!) then grab my free practical guide today!
Anxiety, Fear of Death, & Diet Culture
I’ll tell you a story about a client named Trish (not a real name or client, but similar to many clients I’ve worked with over the years).
Trish came to me in distress. She was binge eating most days and had gained around 40 lbs over the past year. Prior to that, she had been on every diet under the sun. Her Weight Watcher group leaders knew her by name.
She was referred to me by her doctor who told her that since her father died of a heart attack at age 45, she is at risk. Trish was 34 when she came to see me, and she was scared. She felt scared of having a heart attack, but also really upset and embarrassed to have people see that she gained weight.
She worked as a teacher and often tried to dress in dark colors and clothes that would hide her weight gain and she felt uncomfortable in her body every day.
Let’s Talk Anxiety, Health, and Body Image
For next week’s episode, I sat down with my friend and colleague Dr. Julia King, a fellow psychologist who specializes in anxiety, body image and disordered eating.
We cover a lot in this conversation including:
- How your anxiety is keeping you stuck in a cycle of body image concerns and disordered eating
- The book that totally changed Dr. King and my life, and how you can feel more empowered than ever with how your spend your time
- First steps to jump out of the emotional eating cycle and address what’s really bothering you
- And much more!
This week, I’m going to break down some of the concepts we will discuss next week in greater detail so you will be fully ready to absorb the messages and run with it to create a more empowered relationship to food and your body.
What is Anxiety?
Anxiety is a feeling of fear, dread, uneasiness and is created by a perception of threat.” – Dr. Julia King, Psychologist and Anxiety Expert
There is a cycle that exists between our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
For example, we often have:
- Thoughts and Beliefs about ourselves (e.g., “I’m not good enough at this weight” for example), that impact our
- Emotions (e.g., fear, anxiety related to health-related fears and/or fears related to not being accepted socially), and these affect our
- Behavior (e.g., avoiding social gatherings, not posting pictures of ourselves or hiding in pictures, emotional eating or going on a restrictive diet)
Anxiety and Fear Keep Us Stuck
Anxiety and fears back in the day when we were running from lions was helpful.
You see a lion, run away from it, and hopefully escape to safety.
The fear goes away. You are safe. Life is good.
Now, anxiety and fears often keep us stuck, immobilized. Not taking action towards a life we deeply desire and instead taking actions that keep us in the fear-avoidance cycle.
Anxiety keeps us stuck in:
- Restrictive dieting cycles… which tend to lead to weight gain over time
- Patterns of avoidance, like not posting pictures or not going to social gatherings and missing out on opportunities to build meaningful connections (which has the potential to help us feel more worthy and reduce anxiety)
- Emotional eating cycles (aka the binge-diet cycle) where we feel out of control and more and more convinced there must be something wrong with us
What perceived threat are you avoiding?
For Trish, the immediate threat that prompted her to come see me is her doctor telling her that she is at risk for heart disease and that he is concerned about her recent weight gain.
The more we talked, we realized that although she thinks she “should” care about her health risks like having a heart attack, even more upsetting to her is the fact that since she gained weight, she is too self conscious to go out on dates.
Trish really wants a family and is scared of not finding someone. However, the fear of rejection and judgment about her body size is keeping her stuck. She tells herself that she isn’t ready to be in a relationship when she feels so ashamed of herself and her body.
In the past year Trish has done most of the major weight loss plans. She tried Noom, Weight Watchers for what may have been the 10th time (who can keep track anymore?), and even went to an Overeater’s Anonymous meeting. But quickly, she found herself in the cupboard eating peanut butter and so ashamed of herself.
Threats, Fears, and Worries that Keep the Emotional Eating Cycle Going
Unfortunately, there are many things to fear or have anxiety about these days.
However, much of the things our brains perceive as threats, are not actual threats to our safety. They are just false alarms. Stories we tell ourselves. And it’s important to learn what is a threat and true danger, and what is not.
And there are many societal messages that we take as truth, that further increase the fear.
Diet Culture Myths that Increase Fear
Myth #1. “Thinner is better”
We are bombarded all the time with messages that support the idea that thinner is better, healthier, and more socially desirable.
Although there is some subtle positive shifts in this (we see a handful of diverse bodies on television and in movies now whereas 20 years ago we rarely did), we still have a long way to go.
The reality is, if your body doesn’t conform exactly to society’s standards of what is “good” (often we are told thinner is “healthy”, but see Myth below), then you are set up to feel like you are not good enough, failing in some way.
Because we view body size as a choice, versus a genetic and biological reality, you are also told that not only are you not good enough if you aren’t thin, but that its your fault if you can’t lose weight. You clearly just need to “work harder.”
Myth #2. “It’s really just about being healthy”
The good news is, it isn’t quite as socially acceptable to outwardly shame people for their weight.
The bad news? Diet Culture has found a way around this: The Health Argument.
Just like we are bombarded with messages left and right that thinner is better and more desirable, we are also told that thinner is healthier, when the fact is that just simply isn’t true (one example study here, though there are many).
“But I know I’m not healthy at this weight, Shawn.”
You may be reading this and thinking “okay, I know there are a variety of body sizes that can be healthy, Shawn, however, I know I’m not healthy right now, Shawn.”
That is, you may have a deep sense that you are not at your best health right now. And this might really scare you.
And depending on your situation, this may be true. It’s possible you aren’t at your best health right now. It’s even likely if you have been caught in the chronic dieting cycle for years. It puts a ton of stress on the body physically and emotionally and you might be quite run down and feeling unwell.
Enter… Diet Culture and the Weight Loss Industry
So you keep trying new weight loss programs (there’s always new ones coming out, some of them even claim to have psychology infused in them… sigh) and you hold on to small amounts of hope that maybe this time a program will work long term.
And maybe it could, if we help you to understand what’s at the root of the issue.
Diet Culture Capitalizes on Your Fears
The diet and weight loss industry is a massively profitable industry. Americans spend more than $40 billion dollars a year on dieting and diet-related products.
And yet, answering yes to the question “are you currently on a diet to lose weight?” is a really good predictor of future weight gain.
The reality is, most systems including the weight loss industry and even the medical system are not set up to help you succeed. They set you up for failure.
The Fear and Avoidance Cycle Just Doesn’t Work
When we make changes to our eating and exercise habits from a place of fear, feelings of un-worthiness, it’s simply a short term way to avoid the pain and that just wont work long-term.
Additionally, there are biological realities to where your body weight is going to want to be based on your genetics, your weight history, sleep and other habits, many of which is out of your control.
So If I Don’t Focus On Dieting, What Do I Do?
So if dieting and focus on weight loss is avoidance 99% of the time, what do we do instead? What should you be spending your precious time on if it isn’t a new weight loss program?
Fear, Anxiety and Time Management
Fear and avoidance can almost always be related to anxiety related to the fact that we are all aware of at some level, that we only have a limited time in this one precious life.
We want to spend this time well. And we worry that we wont. That we will fail, have regrets about what we did, or more often, what we didn’t do in our lifetime.
I Want to Focus on My Health this Year
Let’s go back to Trish.
Often the people I work with come to me saying something like, “I’m out of control and desperate to stop binge eating.” They often think that they need to really force themselves to change.
“Just work harder” as so many people have told them.
“I Thought I Was Focused On My Health”
Prior to coming to see me, most Mondays, Trish would wake up and at least have an intention to eat in a way that helped her feel good. She and a friend even had a pact where they would talk and text each other and work to “eat to feel good” this week.
They weren’t trying to diet. They really just wanted to make some healthy habit changes.
Sometimes Trish would sign up for a new program, but often at this point she would just make the intentions or goals with herself to meal prep on Sundays, and would text her friend for accountability.
But sometimes as soon as Monday midday she was binge eating and entirely too frustrated with herself. Why couldn’t she keep it in check? What is wrong with me? She would ask herself.
I’m Wasting My Time
In these moments when she would binge, she would often be reminded of all the ways she isn’t living the life she really wants to.
Trish is a teacher and while she loves her job, deep down, she feels called to do environmental work. But her teaching job is stable, and she is afraid to leave it. So instead of taking steps to look into a career change, she reminds herself she must focus on her health first. Once she gets her weight and eating issues under control, then she can look at a possible career change.
Trish also deeply wants children. She always has. And she is terrified that that wont happen for her. But she hasn’t dated in 2 years because she knows she doesn’t feel good about herself. She was much more confident before she gained weight, and she has to get back to that feeling first, or she wont be in a good place to date someone anyways. Don’t they tell you, “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself”?
But what if avoiding taking steps to make a career change and towards dating and focusing on dieting and weight loss are the very things keeping the emotional eating cycle going?
When Avoidance Really Harms Us
Look, we all avoid.
We scroll mindlessly on our phone to avoid getting up and doing the dishes.
And if you’ve been caught in the binge-diet cycle for many years, common avoidance for you is likely either eating when not hungry (because when you are slightly hungry your body perceives it as a bigger threat than it is because it’s thinks you are starving), or planning a new diet or health related effort.
Other forms of avoidance are:
- Binge watching Netflix or other TV
- Obsessively cleaning
- Obsessively budgeting or being rigid about money
- Blaming yourself
- Blaming others
- Overthinking/overanalyzing
- Positive self-talk (sometimes can be avoidance – “Just look on the bright side!”)
- Talking to yourself logically (it isn’t helpful to be upset)
What To Do Instead of Avoiding
The answer of “what to do instead” when you disrupt the avoidance behaviors really does vary from person to person.
One person may choose to focus much less on food and exercise for now, and focus instead on making consistent improvements to their work-life balance and how they manage their stress levels.
Another person may decide that due to feeling very unwell, and due to a strong desire to learn plant-based cooking (due primarily to a focus on sustainability and animal welfare versus shrinking their bodies) that they now focus on taking online cooking classes and learning to be a better cook of whole food plant-based meals.
What Did Trish Do?
Instead of resolving to “be good” every Monday, Trish started noticing her thoughts and how stressful they were for her. She started journaling whenever they would come up, and reflecting on what was truly important to hear, and how she could take actions that week that actually supported that goal.
Journaling was super painful at first. She hated seeing the cruel things she says to herself (e.g., “you’re so lazy, I can’t believe you can’t figure out how to eat well, no one is going to love you”) but she learned with help to view them as what they were, just thoughts (related to messages she got her entire life, and not thoughts she consciously chose).
When she noticed an urge to “be good” at a party and “control her intake” she learned to pause, check in with her body, and see if more food actually sounded good.
She started attending therapy regularly, and over time, found a new boxing class down the street that made her feel powerful and strong.
Consistency Over Time Builds Self-Trust
She wasn’t perfect, but when she “failed” and found herself falling into old mindsets (e.g., self shaming thoughts) or old patterns (e.g., binge eating, mindless snacking to avoid feeling anxious or lonely) she tried to get curious about what was going on.
Some days she did it right away before even eating, other days, it would take a few days before she pulled herself out of the old pattern.
But she kept working, and gradually, consistently, she stopped avoiding as much.
She put up a dating profile.
She emailed a mentor she knows in the environmental field and asked to have a virtual coffee.
Main Takeaways and Tips to Stop Avoiding and Break the Emotional Eating Cycle
- Truth #1. Your food struggles have very little to do with food. I know, I know, it feels like it’s about the food. But really, it’s probably just helping you avoid something uncomfortable. The sooner you see the connection, the sooner you will make true lasting progress towards what matters to you.
- Truth #2. It’s going to be uncomfortable, and you can handle it. So often our fears and anxieties about discomfort are so much worse that just experiencing the thing itself. Most of us are not taught how to feel our uncomfortable emotions, but it can be learned. Find safe spaces to process pain and grief, or unpack other stuck points. This could be via journaling, talking to a friend, or seeing a trusted professional.
- Truth #3. You don’t have to do it all at once. Often people feel overwhelmed by the idea of breaking up with avoidance strategies. But Rome wasn’t built in a day. You can make small consistent progress towards not avoiding, and celebrate your wins. Take even a 5 minute break to check in and note how you are feeling. Take one step towards a career that actually excites you. Celebrate yourself. This is how change happens.
Ready to the First Step to Break the Emotional Eating Cycle
Sick of avoiding? Ready to stop wasting time and energy caught in the emotional eating cycle?
Grab this free guide for 23 positive things you can do instead of eating!
References
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2013.00577/full
https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/bewell_nodieting.pdf
Disclaimer: This blog and podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual professional advice or treatment, including medical or mental health advice. It does not constitute a provider patient relationship.
Disclosure: Using the Bookshop.org links in this post means that I would get an affiliate fee if you purchase from the online bookshop (this supports my business, and local bookstores too!).