Inner Leadership When Shame Shows Up

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Hey friends,

Last week, I shared that I was learning to detach my worth from outcomes.

And I meant it.

I had created a mother-daughter play and connection event that I felt incredibly proud of—even before anyone signed up.

My retreat wasn’t full, and I was still able to feel excited about what I was creating.

That felt like a huge shift.

Then this week, something happened that brought the old shame story rushing right back.

I noticed a spot on my neck that might have been a simple irritation—or might have been shingles returning only two months after I’d had it the first time.

I didn’t know yet.

But almost immediately, a familiar part of me said:

Something is wrong.

You must be failing.

You should have taken better care of yourself.

And then another part wanted to criticize me for still having that reaction at all.

Apparently, I wasn’t healed enough.

In this episode, I’m sharing an honest look at what inner leadership actually looks like when shame, uncertainty, and self-doubt show up—and why healing doesn’t mean we never get triggered again.

🎧 In This Episode We Explore:

✨ Why healing doesn’t mean difficult feelings or old shame stories never return

✨ How self-criticism can use the language of growth against us: You should be more healed by now

✨ What it means to let an ashamed or frightened part matter without letting it run your life

✨ The difference between pushing through pain and creating alongside it

✨ Why I cannot analyze my way out of every painful experience

✨ How entrepreneurship has helped me become more connected, grounded, and alive—even when the outcomes are difficult to measure

✨ Why asking for support can be an act of discernment rather than evidence that we’re incapable

✨ What it means to build a life that feels good now instead of waiting for some future milestone

Healing Doesn’t Mean Never Getting Triggered

For years, I think I imagined healing as reaching a place where certain feelings simply wouldn’t happen anymore.

I wouldn’t feel as much shame.

I wouldn’t question myself.

I wouldn’t get pulled into the familiar story that if something went wrong, I must have done something wrong.

And I have changed.

Business outcomes don’t derail me in the same way they once did. I have more capacity to notice disappointment without turning it into a verdict about my worth. I recover more quickly when a critical part gets activated.

But growth doesn’t mean the old story never visits.

This week reminded me that shame is remarkably flexible.

If it isn’t focused on business, it can focus on my health.

Or parenting.

Or how well I’m taking care of myself.

The circumstances change, but the message stays the same:

If something hurts, goes wrong, or remains outside your control, you must have caused it somehow.

My growth isn’t that I never hear that story anymore.

It’s that I have much less shame about having shame.

What Inner Leadership Actually Looks Like

Inner leadership isn’t sitting above our emotions, perfectly calm and unaffected.

It also isn’t allowing every frightened, disappointed, or critical part to take over our whole system.

To me, it sounds more like:

I see you.

You’re allowed to be here.

You matter to me.

And you don’t have to run the show.

That day, I let myself cry because I felt disappointed and scared.

I reached out to my doctor.

I told my husband and my coach what was happening instead of sitting alone inside it.

Then I recorded this podcast episode.

Not because I needed to push through, prove my productivity, or pretend I was fine.

Because creating with an experience is one way I make meaning from it.

There’s a difference between pushing past pain and creating alongside it.

The difficult feeling was still present.

It just wasn’t making every decision.

That, to me, is inner leadership.

I Cannot Analyze Away My Pain

As a psychologist and researcher, I’ve spent much of my life learning how to analyze, explain, justify, and defend.

Those are useful skills.

I still love learning.

But I keep encountering a truth that intellectual understanding cannot resolve:

I cannot analyze away my pain.

No amount of information can completely prevent uncertainty, disappointment, fear, or shame.

And knowing why I feel something isn’t the same as allowing myself to experience it without abandoning myself.

Sometimes the next step isn’t another explanation.

Sometimes it’s letting myself feel what is true, receiving support, and deciding how I want to live while the answer is still unclear.

Why I Keep Choosing the Less-Traveled Path

When entrepreneurship feels tiring or uncertain, a part of me still asks:

Why are you doing this?

Why not return to a more traditional job?

Why not focus only on private practice, see clients, write my notes, and be done?

There’s nothing wrong with either of those choices.

But I keep a handwritten list near my desk called Why I’m Choosing the Less-Traveled Path.

I add to it whenever I remember something important.

Because I only get one life.

Because it isn’t too late to show younger Shawn that her ideas mattered and she was enough.

Because entrepreneurship is hard, but it’s also fun.

Because I love meeting interesting people and feeling connected to my community.

Because flexibility allows me to experience more of my life now.

Because becoming a better inner leader helps me become a better leader for my children.

The outcomes that matter most aren’t always the easiest ones to measure.

I may not yet have a perfectly predictable stream of income from every part of my Zone of Genius.

But I’m more connected to my community.

I have more interesting relationships and collaborations.

I’m more grounded with my kids.

I have greater choice and self-trust around my work.

And because I’m no longer overworking, I actually feel more engaged in the clinical work I still choose to do.

Those changes count—even when they don’t fit neatly into a spreadsheet.

Finding Rewards in the Process of Living

I’m currently reading Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

One idea that struck me is that freedom from external pressure comes, in part, from learning to find meaning and reward in our ongoing experience—not only in the goals society teaches us to chase.

We’re surrounded by promises that the next achievement will finally change how we feel.

More money will make us secure.

More status will make us worthy.

Greater productivity will make us good.

But what happens when we reach the milestone and still feel like ourselves?

Enjoying the process doesn’t mean enjoying every moment.

Some experiences are simply painful, tedious, or hard.

It can mean becoming an active participant in the process instead of treating our current life as an obstacle between us and a better future.

The question becomes less:

How quickly can I finish this?

And more:

How do I want to experience my life while I’m here?

We’re Allowed to Build Lives That Feel Good Now

This question also shows up in ordinary decisions.

Recently, I hired a personal trainer for two 30-minute strength sessions each week.

I show up, work hard, and don’t have to spend energy planning the workout.

Delegating that mental load has created far more relief than I expected.

It made me wonder where else I’m spending energy simply because I believe I should be able to handle something myself.

Meal planning is one example.

I don’t mind basic cooking.

What drains me is monitoring what we have, deciding what everyone will eat, maintaining the grocery list, buying the food, and carrying the entire plan in my head.

So I’ve been considering hiring a few hours of household support each week.

Even sharing that brings up vulnerability.

Will people think I’m privileged?

Indulgent?

Incapable of managing my own home?

But inner leadership requires discernment—not automatic self-denial.

Where is discomfort asking me to grow?

Where is my intuition asking me to choose differently?

What kind of support would create more capacity for the relationships and experiences that matter most?

The point isn’t that everyone should become an entrepreneur or hire household help.

The point is that we’re allowed to question defaults that leave us depleted.

A Powerful Reminder for Therapists, Helpers, & Creatives

Parents of young children are often told that life will simply be exhausting for a while.

Entrepreneurs are told to hustle now so they can live later.

Helpers are taught to keep giving because they’re capable of carrying more.

But I don’t want to wait until retirement, until my children are grown, until I earn enough, or until every vulnerable part of me is healed before I begin living.

I want to feel connected to myself now.

I want meaningful time with my family and friends now.

I want to participate in my community now.

I want to create work and a life that feel mutually nourishing now.

Inner leadership doesn’t promise a life without fear, shame, or uncertainty.

It gives us a different way to meet those experiences—with honesty, support, self-compassion, and choice.

Our feelings get to matter without becoming the sole authors of our lives.

Maybe healing isn’t never getting triggered.

Maybe it’s learning not to abandon ourselves when we do.

Connect With Me

If this episode resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you.

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Sometimes one honest conversation is the beginning of everything.

Disclaimer

This podcast and blog are intended for educational and informational purposes only and are not a substitute for psychotherapy, medical care, or individualized mental health treatment. If you’re struggling with your mental or physical health, please seek support from a qualified healthcare professional.