Why You Need More Accountability (But Not the Kind You Think)

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Episode 23. In this episode, we are talking ALL about accountability. When you read the title “You Need More Accountability,” what did you think? Were you like, “heck yes, I know I do!” or did it make you cringe and sort of resent me? If the latter is true, nice work for hitting play on this episode anyways! That shows willingness to experience discomfort and not to avoid a feeling we don’t like. Whether or not accountability sounds like something you can’t wait to get more of or truly makes you angry, this episode is for you.

I cover:

Why the right kind of compassionate accountability is key to moving us towards any goal
How our ideas about rugged individualism harm our ability to make progress
How to increase accountability in an effective way, so you don’t waste any more time or money on ineffective tools

Want to start from the beginning? Check out the Foundational Episodes of the Motivation Made Podcast here!

Introduction: What is this podcast all about?
Episode 1: Want to Get & Stay Motivated? A Crash Course on Motivation, Weight Loss, and Health
Episode 2: How Dieting Steals Our Motivation
Episode 3: How To Get Motivated To Improve Your Health (Motivation 101)
Episode 4: How to Transform Health Fears Into Forward Progress

Meeting Our Big Important Goals

Think about the things you’ve accomplished in your life. Maybe it’s your education or related to parenting. Maybe related to your career. What are some of the things that helped you excel and meet those goals?

Sometimes when I talk to people about developing intrinsic motivation, they get this idea that intrinsic motivation is ideal so they should always want to do the behavior and always feel great about it.

Like, if we work hard enough on your mindset, you will naturally wake up each day wanting to exercise, wanting to eat nourishing foods, and while we are at it, wanting to do all the other tasks you need to do in your day (work, caring for the kids, cleaning, laundry, dishes). You will do them all effortlessly, feel great, and hey, look! We have achieved the optimally motivated intrinsic motivation life.

Autonomous Motivation is More than Just Intrinsic

Autonomous motivation is the type associated with long-term change. Within autonomous motivation are technically three types: identified, integrated, and intrinsic. Identified and integrated are similar, and they are about doing the behavior because it’s consistent with your identity and how you want to show up in the world. Intrinsic is the one where you get inherent satisfaction out of the behavior.

So I want you to think about the things in your life that you do that are hard and/or uncomfortable to do. That you maybe do not like or even hate doing. How do you get yourself to do it?

You may not be fully aware of this, but let’s take the example of grocery shopping.

Anna is a mother of 3 young boys, and she also works full-time. She is separated from her husband and she has full-time custody. Her mother lives with her and helps out, but isn’t very mobile, so Anna is responsible for all the grocery shopping for the family. Anna really hates grocery shopping. She is tired at the end of her workday, and shopping 1-2 times per week and cooking each night is frankly the last thing she wants to do.

But she does it on a regular basis. Whether she’s aware of this or not, Anna’s strong value is cooking at home for her family. This is how her mother raised her, and it’s highly congruent with her identity to do so.

If We Were Truly Intrinsically Motivated for All Behaviors Consistent With Our Values, We Would Not Need Accountability

But the reality is, if you value growth and pursuing meaning in your life, you are not going to be intrinsically motivated to do everything you do on a daily basis. That just does not make sense.

If you buy into the BS messages we are fed by the media: “Just follow our plan and lose weight effortlessly! Never feel hungry again!” then you might believe that getting to a truly intrinsic place for eating and exercise is possible.

I believe getting to a much more intrinsic motivation place with eating and exercise is VERY possible. Getting out of the diet mentality and shame and shoulds is essential, and you know what helps with that? Support and accountability.

Support and accountability helps to uncover things we are ashamed about, remind us consistently we are not alone in this struggle, that it’s a common struggle, and a new way of relating to our bodies is possible.

Support and accountability also can help us show up to the discomfort that we may be avoiding when we eat when we aren’t hungry or diet to avoid uncomfortable emotions.

Why Am I Not More Motivated to Take Care of Myself?

I hear this all the time. People like Anna gets frustrated with herself that she isn’t “more motivated” to care for herself. When most outsiders can see that she has a heck of a lot going on. While Anna might think she “should” do cardio and strength training, she has a hard time finding the time and has a hard time getting started because exercise causes a lot of pain for her.

Supportive, non-judgmental accountability can be incredibly helpful for behaviors we want to do but are currently very uncomfortable to do. For Anna, she knows walking and strength training will eventually lead her to goals of better health, reduced joint pain, and improved overall well-being.

However, walking means dealing with the discomfort of having the thoughts “I don’t want to,” and “Why aren’t you more motivated” (shame-based thoughts) and also the discomfort of doing it even though she is tired and even though it causes some pain and she feels winded (which trigger more shame-based thoughts about her body).

Enter Supportive Accountability

Moving towards regular participation in behaviors we value that aren’t enjoyable requires external accountability. But when you choose accountability that is compassionate, non-judging, and non-shaming, it moves Anna towards gradually doing more, feeling proud of herself, gradually having less pain and windedness.

Perhaps eventually, she even learns to enjoy the activity, i.e., the prized internal motivation. Either way, her support structure helped her get there, and now regular walking is part of her identity.

Accountability Can Mean Looking at Your Beliefs Differently, Too

Frankly, sometimes accountability means looking at everything on her plate and looking at ways to work smarter, not harder. We have rigid ideas about what we all “should” do in our lives and need help with. Maybe Anna can ask for help from a friend or family member, do grocery delivery, or maybe just allow the older boy to watch the younger two boys and order them takeout while she goes on a walk.

Examples of Supportive Accountability

There are many different ways to do this. You can find or create a community online, like a free Facebook group, where all members agree to post their goals and check-in with one another. Or you could create a smaller 1-to-1 check in each week via a Zoom call with 3-4 people where everyone states their goals for the week, maybe writes them in a shared google doc, and checks in the following week on how things are going.

I have done this for almost all behaviors I really want to increase. Here are my examples:

I wanted to run regularly after college, and I ran with a running partner.
When I moved, I found a running group.
When I wanted to do at home exercise, I had an online accountability group, where I would post at 8:00 pm the night before, “I am getting up at 5:30 am, having coffee and doing a 30-minute workout at 6:00 am, I will post a sweaty selfie right when I’m done.” Prior to this group, I strongly believed that “there is no way I can exercise at home or in the morning, I just won’t do it.” Don’t underestimate the power of real-time accountability, my friends.
Currently, I have business accountability groups. I check in regularly with others who are creating online programs and working to make their businesses more efficient and have a greater impact. These groups push me beyond my comfort zone. They believe in me, and I tell them what I plan to do, then I make darn well sure I do it.
I wanted to do yoga for 21 days in a row recently, so I told the members of the Body Respect Program I was doing that. I knew that was a big goal for me, and I wanted to be accountable to more than just myself.

Wanna Take a Walk with Me?

Have you taken a walk with me yet? Maybe you listen to this podcast on a walk, but how about listening to a guided audio all about shifting your motivation from an external diet mentality to internal empowered changes and respecting your body. Download my free 10-minute audio, pop your earbuds in, and take a walk with yours truly today!

Top Ways to Get Effective Non-Shaming Accountability

Join or create an online community. I’m sure one exists, but if you want to make sure it isn’t filled with diet mentality hustle push encouragements, then create your own. Or join The Body Respect Program when it opens enrollment again in the fall!
Recruit your family members or friends. You only need one person to show up consistently with you. If they aren’t in your home, make a standing Zoom call, create a shared google doc, and start setting your goals and checking in on your progress.
Find a health professional to check in with regularly. If you haven’t established a primary care physician, do that. Look online for reviews for providers who aren’t weight centric and who are willing to work with you to achieve health from the inside out.
Look for a fitness-related or other community where you feel seen, heard, and valued. There are many fitness communities online or general communities looking to support individuals with diverse bodies. Find one. I’ve heard good things about Joyn.com and if you like another one, let me know so I can share it!

You don’t need all of these things, though you could. Make sure you find accountability that is effective and efficient, so you still have time for the doing. Or better yet, do an accountability call while walking, now that’s efficient. 🙂

I hope you found this helpful, and I hope you will take at least one step towards increasing your support and accountability system immediately. Once you do, send me a DM on Instagram or tag me @psychology.of.wellness and let others know about this episode and how you are planning to seek additional accountability and support in your life so that you can thrive, feel good, and move towards your most important goals and dreams.

Don’t Forget Your Freebie!

Grab my free 10-minute fun evidence-based guided audio now to get a boost of support from me talking over music!

Disclaimer: This blog and podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual professional advice or treatment, including medical or mental health advice. It does not constitute a provider patient relationship.