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Episode 26. Comparative suffering is the act of ranking our pain against others’ pain. For example, someone who is going through a tough breakup might see their pain as worse than someone who is stressed about getting a bad grade in a class, but less bad compared to someone experiencing poverty and homelessness. I’ll say it right away: comparative suffering does not benefit anyone. In this episode we are going to delve into why that is and what to do instead. This also relates to our topic for next week which is all about why and how sharing our stories is so powerful. Comparative suffering is often a major barrier to doing so. Let’s dive in!
Want to get some background on what this podcast is ALL about? Check out the Foundational Episodes of the Motivation Made Podcast here!
- Introduction: What is this podcast all about?
- Episode 1: Want to Get & Stay Motivated? A Crash Course on Motivation, Weight Loss, and Health
- Episode 2: How Dieting Steals Our Motivation
- Episode 3: How To Get Motivated To Improve Your Health (Motivation 101)
- Episode 4: How to Transform Health Fears Into Forward Progress
What is Comparative Suffering?
Comparative suffering is all about evaluating our current pain against others and deciding which one ranks higher and therefore is more “deserving” of being felt.
Have you ever said:
“But so many people have it worse than me, I feel bad for even mentioning it.”
“I feel like I’m just whining and complaining.”
“I have it so good in the grand scheme of things, I should just be grateful.”
I get it. I did this all the time in the past. A LOT. I STILL do it, and frankly, I’m actively working on this. Just this past week I realized how much shame I had about my frustration with my core muscles after childbirth. But my immense shame came from the fact that I know some women cannot have children even when they desperately want to.
Even as I write this, I feel the need to justify to you all, my listeners, how incredibly grateful I am for my children and how I’d take a lifetime of a non-functional core for them. I still feel guilty and bad, like I’m “complaining” about it.
But here’s the thing. No one benefits from my unaddressed shame. Literally no one. Not the women who have what I view as potentially worse pain to cope with. In fact, if my pain and guilt is unaddressed, I might be less emotionally available and present when I have the opportunity to listen and support them.
Understanding Your Struggle by Understanding Your Past
Many times in therapy, I hear people say, “gosh, I feel bad even saying this, but it might be easier if I had a more objectively difficult past”. Like, if I had significant trauma in my past, then maybe I’d be able to give myself empathy more readily because I’d feel like my pain was more valid.
Not only is this quite unlikely to be true, as most therapists who have worked with people across the spectrum of various “amounts” of trauma can tell you; But even if it were true, from a deep down practical level, is NOT acknowledging or validating your pain helping you?
No One Wins from You Not Acknowledging Your Pain
The more I continue in this field and interact with people inside and outside of therapy, and reflect on my own experiences, the more I realize that not only does one benefit from you acknowledging and validating your pain, but the world NEEDS you to do so.
The world needs you to show up as your full authentic self in courageous ways.
This might be to fight for just causes, or to show up vulnerably and authentically in the relationships that matter most to you.
The truth is, not validating and acknowledging your pain might feel slightly less uncomfortable in the moment than acknowledging it and moving through it, but truly no one is benefitting.
Typically, our unacknowledged pain comes out as anger, depression, and anxiety, and it negatively affects us and the ones around us. It keeps us living small, not fully seen, and not fully known. It’s a tough way to live, and it typically does no good for anyone.
How We Understand Our Personal Story
Next week’s episode is going to focus more on reasons you should share your story (in big or small ways) and how this can make all the difference for you.
Remember, your story is your own. It is unique and important, no matter what the details are.
I have struggled with this. Some of my hesitancy to share my personal details online were related to my profession. I didn’t want to be seen as unprofessional or make my clients uncomfortable.
But also, I was worried, and to some extent still worry that people will judge based on the lack of difficulty I have had.
Brene Brown is doing a podcast series with her sisters on The Gifts of Imperfection (which is an amazing book, by the way) and she said that many people assume her life was really perfect growing up. However, it wasn’t and really no ones’ is.
“I Have Had a Good Life.”
This is another phrase that would make me super rich if I had a dollar for each time I heard it. And frankly, I’ve said it many times myself.
It’s important to remember that you can be incredibly grateful for the good in your life AND still acknowledge the pain. That isn’t complaining or being ungrateful, it isn’t blaming anyone else or not taking responsibility, it’s just describing the reality of the situation. In fact, acknowledging the past in an accurate and self-compassionate way is one of the most effective ways to take personal responsibility for living a value-aligned life.
– Shawn Hondorp, PhD, ABPP
I have had a really good life. I freaking love my life. I’ve had some tough stuff happen in the past, and recently, some trauma, some loss. AND it often feels like NOTHING compared to the pain others experience in this world.
A great example of this is my conversation back in Episode 6 where I talked with my friend Quinn Menier about the book The Body is Not an Apology. We discussed body shame and some of her experiences as a Black Women.
I have experienced body shame at various points, but many people whose bodies do not fit what we are told is “good” (typically white, thin, etc) have a WHOLE other layer of BS to deal with that I have not had to.
What is Comparative Suffering Costing You?
But if I stayed in comparative suffering, who benefits? Storytelling and examples are powerful, and they bring these concepts to real life. If I stayed in comparative suffering mode, this blog and podcast wouldn’t be a thing. And one of the unique benefits of this podcast and blog is that I’ve actually grown closer to some people in my personal life because we are having more real, authentic and honest conversations about these topics. Cool, huh?
So when you fall into comparative suffering, I’d ask you to consider this: What is it costing you? What are you holding back from the world that perhaps the world needs? What would you do if you were brave?
Steps to Stop Allowing Comparative Suffering to Hold You Back
- Notice it. Of course, as with anything you must first notice when you are doing it. When are you saying “stop complaining” to yourself, when really you aren’t complaining at all, you are just acknowledging the reality of the situation. You can acknowledge the pain and suffering of others accurately (“gosh, I never had to deal with teasing about my weight in childhood, that must have been so incredibly hard for you”) while still also acknowledging your own pain (“I have internalized the idea that smaller bodies are better and when I look in the mirror, I criticize the heck out of my body and it makes me really angry and sad.”).
- Remember that doing so is common. Part of self-compassion is developing the notion of common humanity. That you are not alone in your struggle, that many people have similar internal struggles, though the external symptom or presentation may look different. Comparative suffering is something we talk about because it’s incredibly common. But remember a few weeks ago when we talked about toxic positivity. The idea that you should “only think positive” because you don’t have to have “negative vibes” and “no one wants to hear your problems”. Just remember, those things aren’t true. Vulnerability and authenticity is how we connect, but comparative suffering is common and people, including you, will continue to do it. Don’t beat yourself up. Just notice, know it’s normal, and move to what you can control.
- Name the pain for what it is. When you notice yourself jumping into invalidation and self-criticism, say something to yourself like, “Wow, you are really beating yourself up about this and there’s a lot of shame here. That’s allowed.” or take a deep breath, and name the shame, such as “when my friend made that comment about her body and wanting to lose weight, it brought up a really uncomfortable feeling in me, I don’t need to blame her, or myself for this emotion, I can just name it and breathe”.
- Cultivate self-compassion. This is a harder one, but don’t skip it! I will tell you, I am actively working on this. In fact, I realized after recording a recent interview with Dr. Adia Gooden (who is amazing, you are going to love this interview coming out in two more weeks), that I still have work to do in actively cultivating self-compassion. This might look like self-talk such as, “I’m so sorry you are feeling that pain, it’s okay, I’m here for you”. Self-compassion is being there for yourself, picking yourself up when you falter or struggle, and being your own biggest supporter. In the upcoming interview, we talk about this more in depth, but if this type of self-talk feels like a stretch, try to think about how you’d talk to a child if they were in pain, or even a small puppy dog that was scared, lonely, or sad. It’s POWERFUL, and fairly counter intuitive for many of us, but I can’t wait to hear how it goes for you!
Let’s Focus on Something We Actually Can Control
You probably already know that the vast majority of weight loss plans fail within 1-5 years (Wing & Phelan, 2005). Even the really great evidence-based ones typically lead to weight regain, and often further weight gain beyond that. Yep, it’s true. Frustrating right?
What if I told you that there was a measure that predicted exercise behavior 3 years down the road AND weight loss maintenance among women. Would you be interested?
Autonomous motivation for exercise (or any behavior, really) is predictive of long-term change. For women studied, it predicted weight loss maintenance and exercise adherence 3 years later. That type of long-term data is RARE, so when we find it, we gotta pay attention (Silva et al., 2011).
So I bet you are like, cool Shawn HOW do I get this type of motivation for exercise? Well I created a free resource just for you.
You see, to gain autonomous motivation, you need to clarify what matters to YOU. Not your mom, not your sister, and not your co-worker. Taking time to reflect on your values and create value aligned goals is one of the most important things you can do for yourself.
Grab this free guide to walk you through step by step and do it today! Give yourself the gift of moving towards showing up in the world from a place of worthiness and going after what’s most important to you, will ya?
Tune in Next Week!
Next week we will be talking ALL about Why You Should Share Your Story and How to do so (don’t worry, it does not need to be in a public forum, though it could be!). See you there!
Disclaimer: This blog and podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual professional advice or treatment, including medical or mental health advice. It does not constitute a provider patient relationship.
Disclosure: Using the Bookshop.org links in this post means that I would get an affiliate fee if you purchase from the online bookshop (this supports my business, and local bookstores too!).